I’ve had some things on my To Do list bearing down on me over the last few weeks. It’s all stuff for my dad’s memorial service. As I’ve procrastinated and procrastinated, I’ve had to admit to myself the nugget of denial that I am living with. The reality has hardened in this flood of grief I swim in. It keeps bumping up to my daily life like an annoying pebble in my shoe saying, “I’m still here. I’m still here. You can deny me all you want, but I’m not going to let you forget.” As the day draws nearer, the day where I won’t be able to deny it any longer because I will be surrounded by his face, his family, his friends, and words dedicated to saying goodbye, I will take this hardening, this pebble, this stone. I will throw it into the ocean to be engulfed by the tide. I will walk away. I will breathe. I will cry. I will walk on. I will live the way he taught me. I will live with joy, courage, and persistence. I will live my life to the very last drop, as he did. And I will be thankful.
It was only after writing this post that By My Side by Peggy Gordon, from Godspell, started playing in my head, which gave me my blog title for the day.
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Can you take me with you?
For my hand is cold
And needs warmth
Where are you going?
Far beyond where the horizon lies
Where the horizon lies
And the land sinks into mellow blueness
Oh please, take me with you
Let me skip the road with you
I can dare myself
I can dare myself
I’ll put a pebble in my shoe
And watch me walk (watch me walk)
I can walk
I can walk!
I shall call the pebble Dare
I shall call the pebble Dare
We will walk, we will talk together
We will talk
About walking
Dare shall be carried
And when we both have had enough
I will take him from my shoe, singing
“Meet your new road!”
Then I’ll take your hand
Finally glad
Finally glad
That I am here
By your side (By my side)
By your side (by my side)
By your side (by my side)
By your side (by my side)
By your side (by my side)
One Response
Wow Casey, I read this earlier today and had to listen to that song again. You’re description here of this nugget of denial is so poiniant. And I love how you say you’ll live your live to the very last drop as Dad did. It inspires me to keep going, running the race set before me, looking for God’s will in my life and how I can best serve him.
I love you so much my Casey Kathryn Joy. You bless me all the time. Yes, “all the time…”
Mom